The 4 Horsemen (of the relationship apocalypse)
If you’ve ever read any Gottman books, you’re probably familiar with the idea of the 4 horsemen - the worst communication styles that couples fall into during conflict. Which one sounds like you?
Criticism - attacking your partner’s character. Example: “I can’t believe you didn’t do the dishes, you always lie and say you’re going to do it but then never actually get it done. I can’t trust you to do anything.”
Contempt - using hostile humor, name-calling, and/or having a belittling attitude towards your partner. Contempt is the most damaging communication style. Example: “Oh, cry me a river! It’s just some dishes in the sink! I’m so stressed at work, you should be grateful for everything I do for our family financially.”
Defensiveness - deflecting the blame subtly (or not so subtly) back onto your partner. Example: “Don’t blame me for your work stress, I didn’t tell you to take that promotion!”
Stonewalling - going silent, shutting down, and retreating from a conflict (for hours or days) with no resolution. Example: “Whatever. Nevermind, I’m going upstairs.”
So, what are the antidotes and alternatives to these communication styles? How can this conversation go differently?
The antidote for criticism is to lead with a soft start-up. Use “I” statements and lead with impact, curiosity, and feelings. Be careful not to criticize using the word “I.” Example: “Hey, I asked you to do the dishes this morning. I’m noticing they aren’t done. Help me understand what happened?”
The antidote for contempt is building a culture of fondness, respect, and appreciation in your relationship. Example: “You’re right, and actually, it was generous of you to remind me to do them. There was a deadline at work today that I got caught up in. I’m sorry.”
The antidote for defensiveness is to take accountability for your part in the issue at hand and acknowledge the other person. You can also make a positive request for the future. Example: “I hear you. Sounds like a bad day. I know you’ve been working hard, and it’s tough to stay on top of everything. Maybe today wasn’t a good day to expect housework to get done. Do you think you could shoot me a text next time so I’m not surprised when I get home?”
The antidote to stonewalling is to communicate a need for space, and then set a time to come back (take a minimum of a 30 minute break, and the max of a 24 hr break). Example: “That’s a fair request. I need to decompress. I’m gonna go upstairs and take an hour to myself, then I’ll come down and order us some dinner to make up for the dishes. How does that sound?”
Learn how to get out of your negative communication cycle and eliminate the 4 horsemen! Take the first step towards a healthier/happier relationship today with couple’s therapy.