Am I codependent?

Codependence is another buzz word I hear many of my clients say. Often times as an accusation (which I don’t recommend). But what is codependence, really? And how do you know if you’re codependent?

Codependence is mostly known for its relationship to addiction. But it’s possible to be codependent without an addiction of any kind being part of your relationship. Here’s my working definition of codependence: I can’t be ok if you’re not ok. (And, I will do anything to make you ok, even if it sacrifices myself).

Here’s how it often manifests: Do you become extremely anxious if you’re afraid your partner is upset with you? Do you have a tendency to read into things your partner says, even if they assure you to take them at face value? Do you frequently ignore or push aside your needs, then become resentful when the other person “won’t do the same for you”? Do you find that you’re often the “giver” in the relationship, or is it hard for you to receive? Do you have trouble identifying or sharing your needs at all? Do you often do things for other people without being asked, then feel confused or hurt at why they aren’t grateful?

If you answered yes, or even sometimes, to a few of these questions, you may be struggling with codependence. Your work will be focusing on yourself and maintaining healthy boundaries, even when it feels uncomfortable or brings you guilt/shame.

It’s also worth mentioning that codependence actually has an opposite position: hyper-independence. That’s right - if you think you can’t possibly be codependent because you are a one-person army of rugged independence, you may actually be struggling with the other side of the coin. Let me guess…your partner is the codependent one, and you can solve all your problems on your own? Why are they so needy?!? Sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but that may not be the case!

We all need connection, validation, and other people we can trust to rely on. All of us. If you’re not in touch with your needs, you may have learned that they wouldn’t be met anyway, so why bother longing for them? Your work is going to be accepting that you and partner both have valid needs that deserve to be met.

Need help figuring out how to navigate out of a codependent dynamic? Reach out for a free consultation for couple’s therapy!