Is my partner a Narcissist?

Narcissism, gaslighting, “avoidants”…these are all huge topics of conversation in the psychology, coaching, and self-help world right now.

Let me add a disclaimer - if you are being physically hurt by your partner, threatened in any way (financially, physically, etc), if you find yourself feeling scared what the other person might do to you (or to themselves) if you say the wrong thing or try to leave, you may be experiencing abuse and this post does not apply to you. Please seek professional help if you suspect that might be what’s going on.

If that’s not what’s happening, or you’re unsure, please read on.

A common question I get from new and potential clients is - “Do you think my partner could be a narcissist?” Let’s break this down a little bit more. Narcissism is a specific diagnosis, and it’s on a spectrum. To really give a diagnosis of narcissism, someone has to have 5 out of 9 symptoms present:

• A grandiose sense of self-importance

• A preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

• A belief that he or she is special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people or institutions

• A need for excessive admiration

• A sense of entitlement

• Interpersonally exploitive behavior

• A lack of empathy

• Envy of others or a belief that others are envious of him or her

• A demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes

I would add that true narcissists also usually have an anger and emotional regulation problem, whether that comes out as explosive rage and belittlement or silent passive aggressiveness and stonewalling.

Here’s the thing - poor communication is not necessarily abuse (although, it can be horribly painful). Being self-absorbed or stuck in your own perspective is not necessarily narcissism. “Avoidant” is just an attachment style, or a learned way to create safety for oneself in relationship. Sometimes, these labels can do more harm than good, but I also realize that they can help people who may truly be in an abusive situation recognize and name what’s happening to them.

So, how do you tell the difference? You may need a more objective, trained eye. If we’ve had poor interactions with our partner repeatedly, it’s easy to get caught in a negative perspective on their intentions, and it may really feel like they’re “out to get you.”

But, in my almost 9 years of couple’s counseling, I gotta say…that’s pretty rare. Does it happen, yes, absolutely. There are abusive people out there intending to exert control and harm. But most people in relationships are hurting, stuck in their own pain, and don’t know how to do better. I’m not talking about someone doing something terrible to you and then apologizing with the classic, “I promise I’ll never hit you again.” I’m talking about that frustrating loop of doom that couples get caught in where they’re each trying to convince each other that how they feel is valid.

Here’s an example:

Partner 1: “You’re never happy with anything I do, it’s never good enough. That’s why I don’t bother!”

Partner 2: “Here we go again, I’m not always unhappy with you. That’s ridiculous.”

Partner 1: “You’re gaslighting me! You never validate my feelings!”

Partner 2: “That’s because what you’re saying isn’t true! You’re telling me how I feel, and you’re wrong. I’m not going to agree with you when you’re wrong!”

Partner 1: “You’re incapable of listening to me.”

Partner 2: “Well, you’re projecting!”

Ok…does this fight sound like abuse? It’s poor communication, don’t get me wrong. But is it abuse? No, I would argue that it’s not. And it’s not gaslighting, either. Gaslighting is intentional manipulation to make the other person question their reality. This is more like two people stuck in their perspectives resorting to criticism, dismissiveness, and defensiveness. And while it’s painful and exhausting, both parties are contributing to the escalation by doggedly trying to convince the other person why they’re wrong.

What will work better is learning to acknowledge your partner’s feelings, even when you don’t perfectly agree. And, learning to bring up issues in a way that is less blaming and more focused on impact and feeling.

Need help differentiating between poor communication and abuse, or learning how to communicate effectively to avoid the loop of doom?

Reach out for a free consultation. Couple’s therapy with the right therapist can be extremely effective.