The Emotional Bank Account: A helpful metaphor

Think of your relationship as having an emotional bank account.

Every time you have a positive interaction - you laugh together, you share a moment of affection, or you hear and respond to each other’s feelings - it’s like putting $1 in the emotional bank account.

But, every time you have a negative interaction - you have a misunderstanding, you snap at each other, you forget to do something you said you would - it’s like withdrawing $5 from the emotional bank account.

You can see how this uneven value between positive and negative interactions creates a problem. Over time, even if your ratio of positive to negative is 50/50, your emotional bank account is going to fall into debt - and the interest will be compounding!

If your relationship continues falling into debt, over time, it creates a negative atmosphere in the relationship. Trust and generosity go out the window. You start to develop a negative perspective on the other person and their intentions towards you. Now when they don’t do the dishes, you take it personally, thinking, “Wow, they must not even care about me at all if they can’t even do the dishes!”

So, how do you protect your relationship from falling into debt? You have to keep that ratio of positive to negative at 5:1. That means 5 times as many positives for every negative. This creates a cushion of positive deposits in the emotional bank account that protects you from the inevitable hard times that life will throw at you.

I realize 5:1 sounds like a lot - and it is. It really means having positive interactions 80% of the time. Sometimes people try to obtain this ratio by reducing the negatives; and sometimes that is necessary. However, making an effort to increase the positives is equally important.

Here are some examples of what that can look like:

  • Increase your appreciation and gratitude. Verbally say thank you more often, even for things you think your partner “should” do - like the dishes, making dinner, or taking out the trash.

  • Make an effort to notice and verbalize the things you admire about your partner. “You know something I love about you? You’re so detail oriented. Thanks for making sure everything is so organized around here.”

  • If you find yourself falling into a negative perspective, try to remember the things you love about your partner. Make a mental list. Remember that they are most likely not out to get you or intentionally hurt you.

  • Remember the small things your partner enjoys - try bringing home their favorite treat, make them coffee in their preferred style in the morning, etc.

  • Offer more non-sexual physical affection - a hug and kiss when you come home, squeezing their arm as you walk past, cuddling on the couch in the evening.

  • Create small moments of quality time - such as walking the dog together in the morning or evening, enjoying a cup of tea before bed and talking about your day. 15 minutes twice a day of quality time adds up!

  • Share funny stories, jokes, or memes throughout the day. When your partner shares something, engage fully.

Reach out for a free consultation to learn more about how couple’s therapy can help your relationship!

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Is my partner a Narcissist?

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Valentine's Day (and other Rituals of Connection)