Valentine's Day (and other Rituals of Connection)

Imagine for a moment that you’re traveling through a desert with your partner. You need food, water, sunscreen, and supplies - but you’re only able to stop at an oasis every 6 months to replenish your needs.

How much fun do you think that trip would be? Most couples, even happy ones, would be at their wit’s end (and each other’s throats) within the first month!

Now, imagine that same trip - except, this time you're able to stop every week at a supply store. And, almost every day, you come across some fresh water and food. Sure, the weather is hot and dusty, but you’re not starving or thirsty, your needs are mostly met, and you’re able to relax a bit trusting that you’ll get by.

The metaphor might be corny, but the point stands; we do better in relationships when we pay attention to our relationship needs more often, even in small ways. There’s a phrase in Gottman theory, “small things often.” What breeds happiness in relationships isn’t grand sweeping gestures of romance, but those little every day reminders of fondness and appreciation for each other. The bigger gestures, like Valentine’s Day, anniversaries, birthdays, etc, matter too - but they’re fewer and farther between, and you’re going to be dry and thirsty by the time they come around if you’re not replenishing with daily or weekly rituals of connection.

So take the time every day (or, almost every day) to share gratitude with your partner over coffee in the morning, or snuggle on the couch in the evening and talk about your day. Make a habit of taking 15-30 minutes to connect each day, and see if your relationship feels more fulfilling.

It’s also a wise idea to make weekly and monthly rituals of connection too. See below for some ideas!

Some ideas for small rituals of connection:

• Take a pet for a 15 minute walk together, anytime of day.

• Send a little love note at lunch that says, “Thinking of you, looking forward to cuddling later!”

• Have a glass of wine or some tea and share the high and low of your day after dinner.

• Share something positive you noticed your partner did in the last few days.

• Watch an episode of a show together and discuss your favorite parts.

• Make a standing date night every week, and stick to it.

• Try to get out of town for a few nights or take a day trip together once a month or once every other month.