Having Happy Holidays with Your Partner

Do you and your partner get into a fight every year around the holidays?

It makes sense if you do - the holidays are often high-stress and high-pressure, with little time for yourself (especially if you’re spending it with family).

Try this tip if you find you often bicker with your sweetie; schedule your yearly holiday fight. I know, I know, it sounds silly. But, sometimes, when we schedule our fight, it takes away the surprise and the sting.

Plan it for a time that you’re alone. Maybe you’re driving home from your in-law’s house. Then you can look at your partner and say, “Ready for our yearly fight? Tell me what mom said to you this year that got under your skin.”

The trick is that you have to actually listen, empathize, and validate whatever your partner says, even if you disagree with it “factually.” Feelings are always valid, even if they don’t reflect objective reality. For instance, perhaps your mom made a comment to your partner about their career, “You were passed up for the promotion again? Well, I’m sure you’ll get it someday.”

You know in your heart that your mom “didn’t mean it like that,” but your partner always takes it personally and feels slighted. The best thing you can do in this situation is actually to validate your partner’s feelings instead of defending your mom’s intentions. “I could see why that wouldn’t feel good to hear, I’m sorry her words aren’t more encouraging. I’m really proud of everything you’ve done this year. How can I better support you in those moments with my mom? What would you like me to do?”

When you make space to have your holiday fight, and also make an intention to empathize and validate your partner, you may be surprised how different your arguments can feel.