Celebrating Pride

June is Pride month, and the parade just happened this weekend in LA.  

I identify as a queer person, and yet I've been struggling for over a week about a blog post to write on this topic.  Maybe because this is an issue near and dear to my heart, which makes it vulnerable to share.  Maybe because I haven't worked out all of my own issues around it.  Probably a combination of the two.  

There's a lot than can be said about identity formation and how various things such as sexual orientation, gender, race, etc, shape who we are and how we experience the world.  Queerness, like any "otherness," can make you feel different from a young age in a way that is hard to put into words.  

So, whether you are loud and proud, or quiet and proud, or still questioning and feeling uncertain, take the month to reflect on what Pride means to you.  And please know that you are always welcome in my practice, whatever your gender or sexual identity.  

The dance of trauma and illness.

In Freud's time, women with strange physical symptoms were labeled "hysterical."  

If you struggle with a chronic condition of some kind, you've probably heard it before.  Someone, whether it was a doctor, a family member, or a therapist, has probably suggested "it's all in your head," or the slightly softer version, "it's psychosomatic."  Spiritual communities sometimes call it "dis-ease."  You've probably just been told you're depressed.  

Basically, these are all ways of saying that your condition isn't a physical problem, but a mental/emotional one.  This is a common belief in society, and I'd like to address it because I believe it is a confusing, tangled ball of science and fiction.  Bessel Van Der Kolk, a prominent MD in the field of trauma and psychology, has a book called "The Body Keeps Score" about this very topic - that trauma often leads to and causes illness. 

I'm not saying there isn't a link between trauma and illness.   What I am saying, however, is that it's a thin line between understanding that link and victim blaming.  It's possible to have a trauma history and also an illness separate from that trauma.  A history of trauma can make you more prone to illness, but there is also a strong possibility that working through that trauma history may not cure you of a chronic illness.  

Again, I am not denying the incredible power that emotions have over our mental and physical health.  If you have a trauma history, I highly recommend therapy and somatic work.  Therapy is a helpful tool for processing emotions, and there's no doubt that our bodies have a physical response to our emotions.  But, it's important to be aware that you are not necessarily in control of your symptoms.  A false sense of control can be tempting - humans like to be in control.  I understand why the thought of "if I just process this feeling, maybe I'll get better" is so alluring.  No one likes to feel helpless, or like things happen for no reason.  My suggestion in all of this is to let yourself surrender to what your body needs and accept what is in the current moment without searching for a solution or yearning for a certain outcome.  Once you can do that, it's amazing how your perspective can change and what opportunities for healing can come your way.  

I realize this is easier said than done.  

Surrender is hard, for a multitude of reasons.  It takes practice and (more importantly) a truly safe place.  But, it's definitely a powerful practice.  

If you're needing help managing difficult emotions around a chronic condition or trauma, please reach out to me or someone else in your life.  I'd be happy to help you.  You're not alone.  

Real Self Care

Before I got sick, I associated self care with relaxation.  Candles, bubble baths, and incense come to mind.  

When you're dealing with a chronic condition, however, self care can be a lot less glamorous.  Sometimes, self-care means disappointing other people, leaving things "unfinished", and learning to be ok with that. I'm still working on it.  

I'm not talking about being inconsiderate to others or being irresponsible.  I'm talking about taking steps in my life to protect the precious resource that is my energy.  I'm talking about taking care of myself and accepting that sometimes I'm not going to meet other's expectations.  It's hard, since so much of society has taught us to value ourselves based on our productivity, and I was raised believing that I needed to take care of other's feelings over my own.  

When I find myself struggling with difficult feelings around this, I remind myself that my value does not come from validation from others or what I produce.  I am simply valuable because I am.  

If you're struggling with similar issues around self-care, and what that means for you, feel free to reach out to me.  I'd love to help you develop tools to build self-care.  

Being with Discomfort

As I sit here writing this, I feel awful.  

Like 100 million other Americans, I deal with chronic pain.  And some days, it really sucks.  Chronic pain and other chronic conditions change you.  Pain is exhausting.  Breathing makes you tired.  Things you may have loved no longer interest you because you know they'll just wear you out.  

I've been dealing with chronic pain for almost 10 years.  There's no denying that it can be incredibly challenging.  However, I've learned something important in my time learning to manage chronic pain.  Sometimes, I can't change the level of pain I'm feeling, but I can change my relationship to the pain.  When we feel pain, whether it's physical or emotional, it's natural to also feel a floodgate of other emotions about the situation.  I usually find myself waffling internally between anger at the unfairness of my condition and a sad, helpless feeling.  Now, in addition to the physical pain I have, I'm torturing myself in a mental trap of my own creation!  I'm tossing around between feeling angry and sad.  It's frustrating and none of it is actually helping my pain.  

Now, I'm no stranger to anger.  I think anger can be a perfectly healthy response to injustice.  Anger is a great motivator and protector.  But, when what I need is vulnerability and kindness, anger is not the ally to call upon.  It takes practice and awareness to be able to catch myself in this struggle.  Much of the time, I don't catch it until I've worked myself up inside. But, more and more, I am able to stop when I feel that internal battle begin and ask myself what I really need to feel better.  When I find myself really struggling with pain that I can't ignore, I have made friends with a meditation practice that I invite you to try at home or your office:

Sit yourself as comfortably as possible, or lie down.  Take a few deep breaths.  Allow your limbs to become heavy, like they have weights attached to them.  Let yourself sink in to wherever you are.  

Imagine a deep body of water.  Imagine yourself sinking, gently, to the bottom of the water, so that you can see the waves above you.  Take a deep breath.  Imagine watching the waves flow above you, while your body remains still and calm.  If pain or other thoughts come to your mind, think of them like the waves above you.  The bottom of the ocean stays calm even if there's a hurricane above.  Focus on your breath and keep it as steady as possible.  Feel the weight of your legs and arms and the support of the chair or bed beneath you.  

Eventually, you may find that there is a part of you that feels separate from the pain itself, a part of you that is calm and untouched by what's going on in your body or mind.  Stay in touch with this part for as long as you can.  You may notice pain or other thoughts occasionally, but the quality can change over time.  It may not feel so all-consuming or knock you off center as easily.  Learning to manage pain takes time, patience, and kindness for yourself.  

Learn this and more meditative and pain management techniques with me, in a group or individual therapy session.  I would love to help you.